Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.

Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school

HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard

u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.

Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.

#DesignFail

I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.

I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)

Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.

Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.

you: ant-man

me, an intellectual: uncle

I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.

Spring love is in the air!

*sprays repellent*

Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.

Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.

“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung

Friend: wyd

Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”

Him: Are you ready?

Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.

When I think about you, I touch myself.

In the face.

With my fist.

My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.

Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.

After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”

Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming

Him: Could you be any more annoying?

Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.

Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.

Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.