Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re an open book?

“Throws you into a bonfire.”

If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.

[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day

*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.

Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.

Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”

Let’s walk and talk.

You go that way.

Me: [being murdered]

Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.

[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE

Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.

Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded

Date: What are you thinking about?

Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich

If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.

“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer

To all newly married guys…..

If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.

grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss

In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.

When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.

I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.

me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining

agent: what’s it called

me: Actually Love

Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”

“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”

*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?

*flirting poorly at the grocery store*

me: so do you eat food often?

‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.

As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.

Note to future self:

Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive