Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
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Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Favourite diary entry ever
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect