Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair

If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I’m holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husband.

It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…

random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body

The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.

“I am a gift to this earth.”

[Earth regifts me]

“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”

I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.

The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.

-Steve Buscemi

Spins a web.

Any size.

Catches thieves.

Just like flies.

He waits.

The thieves come.

The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.

He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.

Look out.

Here comes the Spider-Man.

A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.

My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed

You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…

Customer: do you sell {item}?

Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in

Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.

applying for a new job

It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.

I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?

My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.

Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?

[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.

There’s no in-between.

Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴

[My first day as a garbageman]

Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.

Me: Goddammit

Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.

Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat

Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?

Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets

“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave

Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.

Me: I’m so lonely.

ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.