Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
You Might Also Like
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.