Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
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Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Childbirth is so beautiful
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle