Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night

mom: that was actually your father

me: *tearing up* omg does dad know

Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?

Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*

Friend: I guess you had to be there.

Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.

[on a date]

me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?

him: CHECK PLEASE

If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.

Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”

i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus

Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000

[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident

no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.

If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.

I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.

I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.

my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in

1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”

I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.

Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.

Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.

Luke: But why?

Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.

Jesus: I can turn water into wine.

Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]

I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.

Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.

The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?

On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”

Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.

I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭

My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.

“Do you believe in past lives?”

I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.