Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away

me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.

Beetlejuice: Hey!

me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…

Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.

me: Beetlejuice…

Beetlejuices: please stop.

Angel: how will humans start out?

God: small and helpless

Angel: how will they end up?

God: big and helpless

Angel: in between?

God: totally clueless

Angel: what is your deal man?

*gets hungry*

*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*

*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*

Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.

I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night

So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?

I tell ya, government spending is out of control.

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?

They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”

[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later

My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”

I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard

Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.

If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.

She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!

*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*

My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.

Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn

My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.

job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness

me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage

*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous

My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being

don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings

Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”

My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”

I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”

I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

Dad: Want a donut?

Me: YES!

Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.

Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.