Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there

Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.

Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?

Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.

Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?

Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.

Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.

‘We both know you need to pee:’

~the monster under my bed

*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.

Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.

True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.

today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean

what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90

inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome

inventor of vests: disagree

inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them

almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free

turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them

so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell

Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.

Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*

Him: What’s funny?

Me: Nothing.

Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*

Me: Ha! Photo bombed!

Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..

Must be a communist plot.

I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.

Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.

“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?

judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor

I’d hire this kid in 10 years.

WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it

WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.

Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.

To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?

[Frankenstein Castle]

MAMA: You need to make more friends

VICTOR: Fine…

{later}

MAMA: I should have been more specific

Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?

My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.