Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
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Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
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Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now