Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in a club]

ME: have you seen my moves?

HER: no

ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*

CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah

technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting

I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.

My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete

Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.

“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”

My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.

When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.

If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.

The next wave of scammers will have old people call you

*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message

I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties

Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*

Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”

“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”

Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.

I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.

Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”

My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.

Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.

People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.

Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later

I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.

My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go

It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.

I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.

What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?

If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.

My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.

Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.

My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.