Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?

School be like

Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*

*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in

“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”

Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.

ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.

BANK MANAGER: Get out!

ME: I’m here to repair the gate

ST. PETER: No you’re not

ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side

It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.

Wooden Horsie 🐴

Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.

Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”

terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth

Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.

Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.

Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*

Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?

Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.

puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality

Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar

Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority

this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route

[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*

me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.

me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?

I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.

My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2

Breaking news:

INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—

ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.

INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—

ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.

First date:

And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…

This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in

My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.

British parking sign:

———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————