Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…

FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.

They must have gotten it to go.

How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?

“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”

[explaining why we got fat]

Friend: I had a baby

Me: I had a donut

When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”

I yelled back 5309.

No one laughed.

I am old.

i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys

One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident

Me: say no more

[Later]

Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet

There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.

I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.

If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.

Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so

didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?

Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.

director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother

disney: sounds great, let’s add murder

Do you believe in life after love?

-Me as a Cher-apist

Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?

Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]

There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things

my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s

[several hours later]

time management.

I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house

Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.

Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.

[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”

Goodnight 🐶