nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
You Might Also Like
I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”
Her oldest child is 38. 🤣
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂