nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
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You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
CRYING
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Best spoiler warning ever
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now