nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
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me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”