Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
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The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.