Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?

Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.

I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?

So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.

Her: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?

Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.

Me: No oh 🙁

Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.

“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”

-me, drunk, watching the pool vac

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because make up phrases

Girlfriend: yes

Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch

Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about

One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children

Dear women who just gave birth,

Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.

Sincerely,
The rest of the human race

Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline

Me: I want beer

Cashier: ok how much

Me:

Cashier:

Me: I want it so so much

I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.

“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”

[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666

Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up

Pro tip:

Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.

Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.

me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?

moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.

“I’m a night owl”

All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.

I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.

Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember

Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night

My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.

Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.

[static]

MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY

wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened

me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing

Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.

He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?

Those are good neighbors.

JOKER: Why so serious

ME: Have you seen the news?

JOKER: Ok fair

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft

“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.