*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
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Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.
do u think theres a butter planet?
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
