*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
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theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
the internet really was better 18 years ago
i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
was Jim off killing horses or…
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge
me: what is it
6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday
me: how are you going to do that
6yo:
me:
6yo: no idea
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor