Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden

For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:

“sry that wsnt for u”

God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’

Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.

[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*

Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–

[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]

Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.

I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit

let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,

Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.

a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”

[Yelp Customer Review]

Bill’s Wild West Saloon

Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars

Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.

it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that

“I know exactly how you feel.”

*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.

You don’t even know

before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.

Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me

Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated

I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.

Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.

“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”

Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.

dinosaur: omg a meteor

tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*

I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”

netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?

me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise

netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures

me: absolutely not

netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS

me: this is my worst nightmare

Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.

A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends