[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
You Might Also Like
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Door frame: *exists
My shoulder: MUST. RUN. INTO. IT.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
me when i smell free food in the break room
