Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.

People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”

Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?

Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?

husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*

me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it

husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family

Raisins are grape jerky.

[Central Park]

Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter

Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree

Mob boss: fellas, restrain him

me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me

Mob boss: and gag him

You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.

I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture

the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce

My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.

Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again

I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.

If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.

Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided

Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.

This guy is full of crap

-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse

Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!

Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.

Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.

Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.

You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.

“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.

“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.