Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
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Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.