netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
This was the best day of my life
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!
me: god danb ut
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
