netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
