Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night

If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.

Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.

[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]

What do you mean isolated and unstable?

The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨

I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.

CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons

me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life

me: help i’m being murdered

911: sounds like you’re tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling

Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”

Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”

Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.

Only 99 problems?

Pfft. Amateur.

Looking at you, Jesus.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.

Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?

Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.

*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”

[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”

That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls

mugger: *points gun* your money or your life

me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix

mugger: no i mean-

me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital

THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.

Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.

-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?

My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.

i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook

Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.

[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?

“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”

Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.

*packing suitcases*

kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket

kid 2: stick

Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.