Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b

my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box

My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful

Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.

Sincerely,
Women

I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk

Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.

tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate

hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla

Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.

I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜

Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?

Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing

I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.

despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.

Mission control: what’s happening up there??

Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem

Me: “Am I pretty?”

3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”

Me: “Am I handsome?”

3-year-old: “No.”

How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler

I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website

her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…

him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?

My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*

Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!

4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?

me: can i buy animal crossing

mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free

NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace

A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.

Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you

Them: You’re hot.

Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?

Is your refrigerator running?

Because I might vote for it.

me and the Superbowl rn