Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.

Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel

[antique store]

customer: I want something new for my living room

me: do… do you know what antique means

When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.

[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here

Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid

Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?

I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.

Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.

Me: Red is the color of love tho.

Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M

My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?

Me: Yes!

I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.

I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.

We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex

Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?

Her: Sure, I’d love to

Me: Wtf is wrong with you

I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps

Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.

Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?

*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?

I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.

*Runs Amazon van off the road

One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.

ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*

Travel bloggers during quarantine

When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button

My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.

I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.

A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.

Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?

Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?

Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?

Me: Yeah no, that’s about it