ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
If I had a dollar for every time I fell for a tweeter instead of a real person, I could pay for the psychiatric help I obviously need.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
*into radio* We’ve got a drunk man in the park who thinks he’s a lion tamer.
“SIR! PUT THE WHIP DOWN & STEP AWAY FROM THE CAROUSEL!”