@stephenjmolloy

Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?

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@TeaAndCopy

ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon

@T_Bonezzz_

My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.

So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.

@sad_tree

“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.

@Beesthegame

“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”

-Sharks in Malaysia

@RamblingMachine

If I had a dollar for every time I fell for a tweeter instead of a real person, I could pay for the psychiatric help I obviously need.

@jonnysun

*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO

@Brampersandon_

[COPS]
*into radio* We’ve got a drunk man in the park who thinks he’s a lion tamer.

“SIR! PUT THE WHIP DOWN & STEP AWAY FROM THE CAROUSEL!”