Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
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Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going