Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
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#KarenAndTheCat 😉
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
tis the season
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Eating cauliflower crackers: these don’t even taste like cauliflower
10 minutes later after belching: Ope there it is
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me