Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
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[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.