Netflix and awkward silence?
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Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
had to make it
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
