Netflix and awkward silence?
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Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer