Netflix and awkward silence?
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I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
When ur friends with white people
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her: