Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
You Might Also Like
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
My next door neighbor just stole my gate and I want to confront him about it…
But I’m worried he might take a fence.
#Jokes
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning