Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
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Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
My wife thought I was going to the gym because I left in sweatpants, with a sweat towel and a gallon of water.
I was going to the all you can eat Chinese buffet.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
placebo pills? more like sike meds
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong