Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
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Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog