Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so

No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school

We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called

Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?

Her: *blushing* sure

Me: What’s your hat size?

Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right

taking a toddler to the beach timeline:

-pack the entire house: 1 hour

-find parking: 35 mins

-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins

-set up all your stuff: 25 mins

-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)

-pack up… 🤣

Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:

“spicy wet cheese”

[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”

I don’t know what to do

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

*Chicken strips*

Me: *blushes*

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*

Creepy-crawlies

Same pineapple, same

I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway

feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?

Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.

My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.

There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.

[operating room]

NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…

NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now

You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.

As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.

Me: Man I’m never going to find the one

Friend: You will, dude

Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options

I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.

Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.

Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁

I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.