Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?

My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.

Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.

-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.

McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat

How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?

All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.

Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.

One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.

I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings

Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.

Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.

A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth

The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.

[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]

Me: why did you abandon us?

Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.

Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?

I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation

I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea

[Ninja Dojo]

Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?

Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.

The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store

Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired

[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]

“what are you doing inside my house?”

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.

Just kidding. Could you imagine?

Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect

I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”

David Attenborough, the confusing early years

lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time

*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party*

*Gets arrested for indecent exposure*