Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.

Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.

It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”

*decorating the tree*

6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.

I’m putting together a team

This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume

Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…

Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash

me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger

tger: give it back

*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*

Meme: I have a boyfriend.

maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”

i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.

Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.

BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day

Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?

[trampoline park]

me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*

Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit

Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.

[on phone]

me: honey I won some free tickets

wife: cool, for what?

me: speeding and resisting arrest

wife: never heard of them

Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.

you’re not fooling anyone

By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance

*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*

When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.

This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement

*in court for murder*

I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.