Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
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Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny