Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My rose versus your carnation.

FLORAL COMBAT!

What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]

I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.

When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.

On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.

A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.

I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.

I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International

I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.

Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.

*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.

When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?

UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.

Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting

I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.

First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage

When he asks for feet pics

Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.

Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.

🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶

WIFE: you need to stick to your budget

ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen

I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*