Netflix and you sit over there.
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wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Our new dryer has a “Less Dry” setting for when I want to put on damp clothes I guess.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!