Netflix and you sit over there.

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Wife was feeling kinky last night so she got naked and I tied her to the headboard, then me and my buddy ordered pizza and played X-Box.


Guys remember: if you encounter a girl in her natural habitat, don’t panic. She’s just as scared as you. Make loud noises, she will run off.


I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers


Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”


How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…


Funny how people freak out over tiny spiders, but pull a giant one out of the ocean and everyone’s all let’s rip it’s legs off and dip ‘em in butter.


I cross-bred an octopus and a panda. Let me know if you’re interested in a pretty amazing hug.


There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.