Netflix and you sit over there.
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If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal