Netflix and you sit over there.
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Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.