Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.

The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.

“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.

Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.

I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.

wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english

me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s

my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot

why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead

The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.

I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.

*forces square peg into round hole

Round hole: wrong hole.

As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.

Time flies like an arrow…

But fruit flies like a banana.

Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.

Boy never ceases to amaze me

Mary had a little lamb.

The doctor fainted.

Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.

the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!

It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get

Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.

*in an interview*

Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.

Applicant: 5-7PM po.

Me:

Applicant: 8PM.

Me:

Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.

My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.

Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one

Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.

All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????

Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.

*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*

Wife – “….””

I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.

It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago