Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable

My daughter’s school was closed for fog.

Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”

Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother

It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹

Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.

Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen

Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan

me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog

Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.

yes, those are my real potatoes.

Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?

My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles

We don’t have a dog

Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*

Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.

[both kids on my lap]

Me:This is so nice

5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.

M: I carried you for 9 months!

4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?

[date]

HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?

ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.

My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What

I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime

Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?

Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!

Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery

Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness

Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone

Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.

This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs

me: i don’t like talking about myself

random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’

me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old

I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.

My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO

Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying

[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]

Me: ya know you can fly !

it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it