Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man reading a book: hot

Man with a baby: hot

Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.

The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.

So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?

As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.

Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.

RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?

ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*

My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album

My relationship with tea has always been strained.

do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence

Son: Daddy, when does this end?

Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death

Son: I mean when does this party end?

Me: 7.30

People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone

Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.

Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me

Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”

I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.

Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing

When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.

Him:When do you get off?

Me: Usually once you go to sleep

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.

Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.

Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out

Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.

Me: Yes. She did that.

I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.

I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.

Wife: He’s your son!

Me: So you say! But I don’t…

*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*

Me: …ok fine he’s my son.

I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.

I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”

Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?

Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.

Dora: *stares blankly*

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me: *nervous sweating*

Dora: that was my favorite part too!

Me: Oh thank god

California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]