Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
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[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
