“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
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Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out