Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
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Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
I love the National Park Service.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public