Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.

Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there

me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]

I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom

Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]

In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.

In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.

Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.

[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.

GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.

ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.

How you can tell a writer has no siblings:

“Hey, little bro / little sis.“

How you can tell a writer has siblings:

“Hey, loser. Mom called.”

Job interview…

H- “So how would you describe yourself?”

Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..

5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?

Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating

There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.

I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.

All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.

New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.

[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]

My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”

Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!

Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT

Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.

Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.

Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.

My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up

Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”

Better names for porcupines:

Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum

Person: My name is Mora.”

Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”

*Door behind her unlocks*

All day: I’m so tired I could cry

12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now

When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.

[first day as a chef]

assistant: why is your hat squeaking

7’s new favorite animal is the spider.

He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.

I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum

This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret

Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.