Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
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BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
I’m not proud
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.