Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?

*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird

[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO

“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”

So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?

Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today

I hate my earbuds.

Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?

When the stylist spins you back around

What if I made a cactus delicious?

– pineapple inventor

Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories

Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better

If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.

If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks

My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.

Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away

Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for

Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough

I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.

Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4  kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away

Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.

I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.

But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.

[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..

*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”

Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!

Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!

In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”

Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.

him: does this pillow feel lumpy

me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me

Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”

Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”