Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
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listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
6: are snakes just neck?
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus