Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
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Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
I like chaos.
-turns on news-
Not like that
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.