Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
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Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Smile they said.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send