Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
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The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”