“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
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Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*
Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
This is my brand.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you