“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
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*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Thursday Thought.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
my mom decorated the apartments for the cats
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.