Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”

watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person

Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..

but if you do, get the dental work first.

Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.

And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.

I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.

Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign

All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.

[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.

me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?

court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here

Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]

I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣

Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.

Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something

Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…

…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.

Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.

The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet

Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.

*puts you on pedestal*

*vacuums where you were standing*

*takes you off pedestal*

Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.

Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us

My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”

A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store

If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.

My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.

GRAVES.

Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.

I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me

My kids lost a Barbie shoe.

I dug in the trash and found one.

It was from a set they didn’t know was missing

Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.

SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels

[later]

SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit

If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.