Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
