Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
estão todos miauvindo?
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
