Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.

Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.

A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana

Washing instructions: Hand wash only.

Me: We’ll see about that.

[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it

outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth

I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.

*adds salt to resume*

Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?

The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess

[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”

Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.

I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed. I laughed.

Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read

♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫

I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.

I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.

You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.

Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.

It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.

(No offense, Andrea.)

(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)

Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners

Mum: You mean negotiations?

Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans

Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher

I would describe my personal style as whatever is on top of the pile of clothes on the floor

Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…

He brews.

bad news gang

you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.

woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.

Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.

[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”

Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.