Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.

My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.

Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”

Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.

Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.

*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*

New mindset, who dis?

I’m a new werewolf and I have questions

-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.

[driving]

Me: I don’t know where we are.

3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.

6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?

Me: Yes.

6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.

Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.

boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here

Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.

Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.

So much for trying to
be Friends.

me [stands up]:

my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it

Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.

Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.

My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.

Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.

TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.

[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting

*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea

Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?