Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.

Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP

Me: I’m woke

Kids: How woke?

Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.

My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?

Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name

Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.

WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house

ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why

I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game

[doing crossword]

Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks

“You CAN even.”

– white girl life coach

We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.

The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.

Winnipeg!!

“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them

Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.

Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.

You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing

Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.

I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”

Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.

7: are eggs vegetables?

10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!

taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out

They say the camera adds 10 lbs.

Looks like fast food added the other 40.

I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.

Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with

I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born

*At the bar

Me)May I sit here?

Her)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.

Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.

– texts to my bed

The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.

If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.