Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.

Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.

[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?

Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.

Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.

I trust that will be the end of that.

Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.

Narrator: He he not gotten very far.

Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥

In the theater

Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?

Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.

Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years

I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.

Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.

My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

*First and last date:

“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”

Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.

My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?

Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.

Kid: huh?

Me: I said, when we went to the park.

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

I’m a self-made hundredaire

“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky

In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.

I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!

It squashed all of my doubts…

And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.

My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.

Don’t be a poser bro

A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.

Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average

[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”

Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.

Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.

My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5

[first day as a surgeon]

me: do you have any questions?

patient: how often do people die during this surgery?

me: just once

m’lady

Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!