Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.

[during sex]

her: choke me

me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}

🤣

ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon

Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.

Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe

Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs

Jeremy: That’s really cool dad

Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually

Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.

I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.

My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go

*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!

Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.

Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently

My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.

– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown

– making ice in trays

– doing housework

– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from

Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up

I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.

I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen

my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks

H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!

Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.

H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.

When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about

[feels adventurous]

As a kid: *climbs a tree*

As a teen: *dyes hair*

In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*

In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*

The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.

It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.

Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.

“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”

RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?

HAIR: Yeah!

RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.

All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.

When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂

Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.

Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”

(during sex)

Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.