Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
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menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Just say no
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Someone just gave me half a peace sign.
weird
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?