Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
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[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.