Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
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We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.