NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
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7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.