Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave

Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave

9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?

I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago

“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand

One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.

I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”

Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?

“What? Why?”

It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..

“It’s OUR wedding!”

If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

I’m locked out. Come let me in.

My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok

I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.

My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.

Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves

My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.

Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.

Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.

~ my cats

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!

– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring

ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.

Suez Canal: what the hell?

container ship: PARKOUR!

Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer

Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐

If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.

I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it

why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?