Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa

Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.

Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…

1. I don’t have a swimming pool.

2. I don’t have a girlfriend.

Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?

After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”

[unwrapping gift] oh wow, an item. I love these

AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless

I got bills

They’re multiplying

my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.

nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end

It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.

When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.

me: congrats, when is the baby due

pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it

A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.

[plane about to crash]

him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.

me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.

[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.

[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.

GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.

ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.

GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”

ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.

Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.

There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.

I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.

cop: any drugs on u

me: on or in

cop: what

me: what

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you

Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.

The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.

[Traffic Stop]

Cop: Sir, please step out of the car

Me: But you said…

Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.

In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.

Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.