Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
You Might Also Like
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….
So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.