netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
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Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
New tinder profile pic
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
I am preparing a divorce case with graphic compromising photos and they are scattered on my living room floor as I mark each one with exhibit stickers. My mom walks in and glances at the floor and says, “Oh! Are you making a scrapbook? I want to help!”
No. No you do not.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Who Keeps Pooping In My Driveway At Midnight I Know It’s A Person I Know What Human Poop Looks Like But Who Would Do That And Why Why The Driveway Exactly Plus Each Time They Poop A Little Further Than My Hose Will Reach So It’s Harder to Clean
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running