Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
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HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Good news: I set an all time high today!
Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
indiana??? now they’re just making up states
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.