Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽

Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes

someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol

People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence

“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”

If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”

I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good

Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late

Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.

in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting

Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.

Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it

Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .

[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again

I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo

Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there

Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.

Schrödinger’s Dumpster

How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today

Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”

So, yeah, she’s mine.

NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD

Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.

Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.

I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive

I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality